Hitoshi Matsumoto’s 遺書 (“Will”) – Chapter 12

About lices and the comedy which saved me when I was a kid

It’s been 12 years since I made my debut in the world of comedy.
I started selling good before I could even realize it, and I even became a star of some sort (of course that doesn’t mean I’m satisfied with my current conditions).
And the more I sell, the more people who want to step on me or get in my way start to appear.
Last time I wrote about the whole “pubic lice accident” and how I don’t care that much about neither unfounded rumors nor trying to stupidly deny what really happened.
I thought about it, and while the whole “pubic lice” thing is fine as it is, the “being forced to do something against your will” thing really got on my nerves. I have a family, just so you know. I have to make things clear expecially for them. First off, I’d love to have a press conference about how this kind of image can really become an hindrance to the definition of “comedian”.
“He hold me in his arms and slammed me over his bed!” (I don’t have a bed at home), “he offered me alcoholic drinks” (I don’t even drink, so of course I don’t have any at home).
I think those who saw “Focus” already know this, but that girl chose to show herself in photo (I’m so confused!).
If you are so proud to show your face on “Focus”, why couldn’t you just come here and meet me in person? That’s ‘cause what you’re talking about is 100% pure BS!
It’s ‘cause you’re a stinky smelly poopie head, that’s why!
I’ll tell you the truth, when I was a little kid I used to be a bully magnet. Back in kindergarten when we had these swimming pool activities hours, even if someone would steal my water gun, all I could do about it was to cry. I was such a frail kid I couldn’t even explain the reason for why I was crying when the teacher asked me about it. Even when I started going to primary school the situation didn’t change that much, I didn’t have a single male friend and all I did was playing with the other girls (to be honest I’m still like this to this very day).
Then there was this day, if I remember correctly it was during my second year in primary school, when my dad got some tickets for Kagetsu (Yoshimoto’s comedy theater) from the company he was working with (ar the time, my dad was doing some job where he could easily get his hands on tickets).
Manzai, rakugo, original Yoshimoto comedy… I started to go to Kagetsu and see such shows on a monthly basis with my family. By doing this, my eyes and my ears started to develop a good taste. It was different from TV because I could actually see the public’s live response to it, and my judgement as a child was like “I see, those guys really liked this joke, but I wonder how they’ll react to his next one”.
In my mind I was becoming a sort of comedy critic, so I slowly started to make gags on my own at school too. Maybe it could be because we lived in Kansai, but it seems like funny guys are really respected here, so before I could realize it no one was bullying me anymore, and the other kids started to gather around me more and more.
And so this and that happened, and I managed to completely change from a bullied kid into a completely new self. My family was poor, my grades were the worst and I wasn’t really cut up for sports; what really saved me was comedy alone.
If you’d take comedy away from me, I won’t have anything left. And I bet that even from now on and as long as I’ll be into the comedy business, this type of human-poop hybrids will surely try to get in my way and make me fall. But hey, do it moderately! ‘Cause if you’d take comedy away from me, I won’t know what to do with my life anymore!


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