Chapter 6 – “I hold no grudge against my parents who even saw me jerking off in our cramped house”

Oh man, Summer vacations are here, after all. Of course it’s not like I’ve been disliking Summer vacations from a long time. But since I started this job, I grew to hate them so much I even remember feeling frightened of them.
I have a regular show in Osaka, so I get back to Osaka around 2 or 3 times a month.
And all those dumb families I end up dealing with during my transfers on airplanes or Shinkansen – those groups who do no good and a lot of harm, usually composed of a man wearing glasses who doesn’t seem to be able to work properly, his wife who’s surely not a beauty and doesn’t even seem to be that smart, his daughter around her first year of primary school who grew up without being spoiled by his dad and a baby who is not even 1 year old and can’t use words properly and still smells like the semen he came from – are the reason (*for why I hate Summer vacations).
First of all, I have no idea why those people are getting Green Car or First Class seats, it’s a mystery to me.
Those seats are way too big for both the baby boy and the little girl, I remember feeling a murderous impulse upon seeing them trying to sleep in those while constantly turning over and over. Also, I can’t simply understand the reason for why said little girl is wearing a wristwatch. I just can’t help but taking few glimpses at her as she keeps on checking her watch until they arrive to their destination. Also, gotta mention the storm of candies, juices and ice creams no one could ever finish eating. This makes me really think that there’s something deeply wrong with this country we call Japan, after all. And even if all this scene is supposed to be complete of everything, the baby still seem to be discontent about it, and so he starts shouting “waaah”, “gwiihh” and “nguuuuh” in a strange voice.
In response to what they’re seeing, his parents smile cheerfully. And so, my wish to take a nap during my ride to Osaka got easily and completely crushed.
Now, it’s about time to talk about what I wanted to talk about.
If you have time to come up with nonsensical non-smoking seats on airplanes or shinkansen, then use that time to create non-children seats, you pieces of shit!
Also, dear stupid married couples, just so you know, your kids aren’t cute at all! Just because you cherish them, it doesn’t mean other people have to act the same towards them! Even if their shouts are nothing out of the ordinary to your lives, their intensity feels doubled or tripled to those who never heard them before, and it’s the most unpleasant feeling ever.
Moreover, where are you taking your toddler who still doesn’t even have the ability to understand what’s going on around himself? No matter how fun your trip will be, once he’ll grow up he won’t even remember one second of it, and I’m sure it’s going to be mostly a nuisance to him.
Let me tell you, all of those who have little brats who shriek all the time are not qualified enough to travel around. If you really want to go for a trip, just leave your kids in someone’s keeping or travel by car, you soft turds!
When I was little, I was raised in a house with cracks all over its floor, I couldn’t get anything I wanted and I lived inside it without even having a private room for me until I became 20 (and because of that I often got caught while jerking off by my parents). Nevertheless, I hold no grudge against my parents, that made me want to work harder than anyone else so I could make things easier for everyone, instead.
Today’s kids get everything they want, and no one dares to scold them even when they deserve it; their parents’ best effort is to go on the outside veranda to have a cigarette instead of smoking it inside of the house. I look forward to seeing how said young boys and girls will grow up, and if they’ll be raised with a higher amount of parental love I got from mine, mwahahahah.

Note

Parenthesis are part of the original text, except for those marked with (*), which I added myself (to make it easier to read / understand).

Chapter 5 – “In this world everyone will hate you, so stop asking for sympathy!”

During the editing of an episode of “Ucchan Nanchan No Yaru Nara Yaraneba!” by Fuji TV, they published an article about the death by falling accident of the vocalist of rock band from Hong Kong (they’re probably still working on writing about the circumstances in detail), and yeah, newspapers, magazines and even wide shows felt free to talk about it.
In this world, one can’t simply accept some events without placing the responsability for it onto someone else, and that’s pretty damn ill-natured.
“Here’s the situation: variety shows are filmed until it’s late at night, so both the star and the staff pile up a great amount of stress, that’s why we shouldn’t be surprised if they get involved in an accident!”
“Comedians are using their bodies more than their words to make the audience laugh, lately. Seriously, that’s all I can see!”
Yada yada yada and stuff like that, it’s like everyone is a critic and we’re in the middle of an all-you-can-talk.
I just want to say one thing. Both the staff and Unnan, only wanted to entertain the audience. I really want you to understand this feeling for what it was meant for.
Alright, belatedly, but let’s talk about our main topic.
For a comedian, tears are something that should be carefully avoided (I mean tears for deep emotions, tears of joy are barely safe).
Let me explain why: if you show them, the public might feel pity towards you, and because of this sympathy you receive, there’s the risk that everything you will ever do won’t ever be laughed at again (I’m not blaming Unnan at all, I’m blaming the mass media which cornered him).
I heard that back then there used to be this comedian named Tony Tani whose son was abducted, and all he did was to play the sympathy card and show his tears on tv until his son was found and went back home safely, but he got so much compassion from the viewers that it lowered down his popularity. That’s a great example.
I have a single policy myself in order to work in this comedy biz: “ill weeds grow apace”. That’s basically it.
“I hate that guy! But he’s hilarious, and I hate to admit it.” – isn’t this the best thing?
If you’re hated in this world, asking for sympathy will only make you look like a flabby weenie (or maybe you weren’t liked by anyone to begin with).
But anyway, I can’t deny that being a comedian is a tough job. No matter how many sad things may happen, you have to keep on making people laugh without having them surface.
If your loved one would die, if you’re a singer you can sing at a parade for her/him and it would even make you look good (also, more tears = more effectiveness), but if you’re a comedian, you have to wear a bald cap and run around aimlessly, or maybe get your bare ass out and move or jump or such (that’s probably not really necessary)… your loved one won’t be able to rest in peace.
And even if you would devote yourself to your job in said occasion, there could still be someone out there who will say you’re being indiscrete (which is still better than asking for sympathy).
About Unnan’s accident, I can’t say anything about it but “it was bad luck”. It’s something that could have occurred in every tv show, and of course one of our (Downtown’s*) shows is no exception.
The only difference is that if I – and maybe this means I’m not a proper human being like Unnan – would have been in a similar situation, I would have never taken part in any press conference and I would have never look down or shed tears, that’s for sure.
I have no direct responsibility for what happened, and I would never do anything like that in front of tv cameras.
Also, if acting like this means that I’ve failed as a comedian, then I’d quit this messed up comedy world myself.
If other people’s pity is what I should be looking for, I’d rather get the hell out of here, you motherfuckers!

Notes:

– J-wikipedia entry for “Ucchan Nanchan No Yaru Nara Yaraneba!”. The show lasted for three years, with its last episode being broadcast on June 26, 1993.
– On the same Wikipedia page, there’s an excerpt about said accident. A member from the chinese rock band “BEYOND” died in a car accident on his way back home after taking part in Unnan’s tv show. That’s the accident Matsumoto is refering to.
– On July the 15 1995, Tony Tani (japanese comedian)’s son was abducted and got released a week later after Tony himself dealt with the kidnappers. More about it on this Wikipedia page (jp).

Chapter 3 – “Comedians from Osaka must sell twice, even if they leave their women”

We always hear the words “national star”, but what the hell is that supposed to be, huh?
Looks like there’s a significant separation between national stars and local stars in Japan, but the truth is, if we’re talking about TV stars, their behavior in front of the camera is exactly the same.
The only difference is whether they’re being broadcast throughout the whole nation or just on local town TV shows, and that’s something which only depends on the TV station itself or maybe the producer, the TV star really has no responsibility whatsoever over it.
Nevertheless, national star = amazing! Local star = no good! It seems to be just like that, and I still don’t get why to this day (the other big difference is their appearance fee).
Anyway, setting this matter aside, today I’m gonna write about the hardships comedians from Osaka (local stars) face when they come to Tokyo (national stars) to sell, you bastards!
First of all, comedians from Osaka must sell twice. Their first time it’s in Osaka, and if they manage to get called from Tokyo (this is what happened to Downtown), their office must strive to promote them in Tokyo too. After that, they’ll have to start again from level 0 in Tokyo and attempt their best, that’s the simplified scheme.
But just so you know, there are no few cases of failure.
And there are mainly 2 big reasons for that. The first one is the case where some guy doesn’t manage to start anew from level 0 in Tokyo, and so decides to keep on working half-heartedly in Osaka; Such people are just poopie-headed comedians with a weird pride who forgot their own initial resolutions. If you want to sell in Tokyo, forget about doing it simply and keep on working harder and harder, you stupid ass! (At least Downtown left the entire Osaka behind and kept on doing manzai in front of a cold-eyed public every week on late tv shows, you bastard!)
Then, the other reason is the case of those people who are simply cowering before the idea of going to the huge capital city that is Tokyo.
A surprisingly big number of Yoshimoto’s comedians are like that, and I think the responsibility for that is all on Yoshimoto Entertainment itself (yeah, for real).
First of all, Yoshimoto company doesn’t treat newcomers as comedians. Needless to say they also don’t pay appearance fees for some of their jobs. Managers don’t even stick with them until they start selling pretty good, and even if they get to ride the Shinkansen there’s just a small fraction of comedians who can afford a Green Car seat, they usually tell them “look, you just can’t” or “who do you think you are?” or things like that, they’re basically treated no better than bugs.
And because of this, they start to feel like “so I can’t…” or “so that’s what people like me deserve…” or such, and when they get to work together with comedians from Tokyo, they start to feel even more and more terrified.
Comedians from Osaka who managed to overcome these conditions are now well known national stars.
They usually say a lot about comedians from Osaka, like they’re loud, or persistent, or annoying or such, but you gotta remember they’ve worked so much for this, traveled all the way here from Osaka and even bid farewell to their women (that’s my story, alright?), so you audience have to watch over them and be kind to them.
P.S. To those who are not that funny even in Osaka and don’t sell that much, please just stop coming here to Tokyo. You’re the shame of Osaka, you sons of bitches.

Notes

– “they’re basically treated no better than bugs”, I wrote “bugs”, but he actually wrote “毛じらみ”, which is actually “crabs”, “pubic lice”. I chose to write “bugs” because it’s easier to understand, but keep in mind he’s using this other term instead, which is way… lower than the other, isn’t it?