<b>I’m a little bit hurt too when I make people laugh with this pubic lice story</b>

Oh shit! Holy shit! Recently, people around me have been telling me this thing, but now I’m slightly sensing the same thing myself… That’s right: my face is becoming “more gentle”! Come to think about it, this year I’ll turn 30. I’m clearly an old dude by now (I guess I’m outside the age where I can watch AV, am I~?).
All the other colleagues my age have already wives and kids. I guess that’s the obvious thing to do, being an human being. But even though it may be obvious for the rest of the world, to me it’s just a big problem. My ideal is to become an even more harsh, even more sharp venom-spitting comedian!
Last week I wrote how more people will come and try to meddle with you when you start to sell more and more, but I can’t deny how less poisonous you become with it too (I wonder if I set foot in that area myself?).
Once you start to sell, the first thing to wear off is your hunger. When I was a newcomer I didn’t have any money nor jobs, my agency (Yoshimoto) and my viewers treated me like a worm, and each time I got back home my parents and siblings looked at me the same way you look at pubic hairs, but I kept on doing it so one day I could tell everyone “look at what I am now”, and now that I’ve reached that goal in my life I find myself being grateful to all of this shit I’ve been through instead.
Even those who were cold to me before started to act differently once I started selling, and made a real fuss about it. All I could do myself was to become used to say “well, whatever” (maybe I’ve been too soft on them). And now that I think about it, the expression of my eyes has become gentler.
It’s becoming more difficult for me to speak ill of others on TV (expecially comedians). When I wasn’t that popular, I opened my mouth for everything, even for just being ignored.
Even if I’d speak ill of people I don’t know, the next time I have the chance to meet them again and talk to them, we end up exchanging few words in a peaceful and laughable way, and I can’t speak ill of them anymore. Even if I hated them before meeting them, it happens frequently that after getting to meet them I realize they’re not bad people at all, and the fact the opposite thing rarely happens anymore is making me worried.
The same applies to this weekly publishing. Everytime I meet several other comedians and they tell me “I’ve been reading your articles every week” my will to show em my bad attitude shrinks smaller and smaller.
There was this newcomer who once said on tv “Downtown are cowards because they try to make people laugh by speaking ill of others”, but that’s completely wrong. I want you all to understand the simple fact that speaking ill of someone to make people laugh requires technique & guts.
I’m not saying that’s all there is in comedy, but there are lots of gags which result in someone feeling hurt (including myself).
For example, if we make a joke about someone being bald during a skit, even if people would laugh at it, bald people would totally feel hurt by it. The same way, I felt a bit hurt too with all that pubic lice story.
For example, when you have to get back at someone with a tsukkomi line and you say like “who are you, Takagi Boo?!”, you don’t use honorifics. In cases like this, by adding “-san” or other honorifics you make the joke unfunny. But that may end up pissing off the person you’re talking about. In the end it doesn’t matter which path you choose to take, you’ll always be sorrounded by enemies. And if that’s the case, then so be it: let’s get sorrounded by enemies as much as we can!
I’ll spit my inner stingy venom to each one of you, you heard me! I’ll now let my pen down, hoping that starting from next year I’ll get the look in the eyes I had during my debut years back.

<b>Notes</b>
– Takagi Boo is a japanese comedian / musician (ukulele player). The context for this tsukkomi example Matsumoto gives could be either based off some quote or habit he often shows, or even his looks. At any rate, he’s older than Matsumoto, and adressing an older colleague without honorifics is considered really rude in Japan.

About lices and the comedy which saved me when I was a kid

It’s been 12 years since I made my debut in the world of comedy.
I started selling good before I could even realize it, and I even became a star of some sort (of course that doesn’t mean I’m satisfied with my current conditions).
And the more I sell, the more people who want to step on me or get in my way start to appear.
Last time I wrote about the whole “pubic lice accident” and how I don’t care that much about neither unfounded rumors nor trying to stupidly deny what really happened.
I thought about it, and while the whole “pubic lice” thing is fine as it is, the “being forced to do something against your will” thing really got on my nerves. I have a family, just so you know. I have to make things clear expecially for them. First off, I’d love to have a press conference about how this kind of image can really become an hindrance to the definition of “comedian”.
“He hold me in his arms and slammed me over his bed!” (I don’t have a bed at home), “he offered me alcoholic drinks” (I don’t even drink, so of course I don’t have any at home).
I think those who saw “Focus” already know this, but that girl chose to show herself in photo (I’m so confused!).
If you are so proud to show your face on “Focus”, why couldn’t you just come here and meet me in person? That’s ‘cause what you’re talking about is 100% pure BS!
It’s ‘cause you’re a stinky smelly poopie head, that’s why!
I’ll tell you the truth, when I was a little kid I used to be a bully magnet. Back in kindergarten when we had these swimming pool activities hours, even if someone would steal my water gun, all I could do about it was to cry. I was such a frail kid I couldn’t even explain the reason for why I was crying when the teacher asked me about it. Even when I started going to primary school the situation didn’t change that much, I didn’t have a single male friend and all I did was playing with the other girls (to be honest I’m still like this to this very day).
Then there was this day, if I remember correctly it was during my second year in primary school, when my dad got some tickets for Kagetsu (Yoshimoto’s comedy theater) from the company he was working with (ar the time, my dad was doing some job where he could easily get his hands on tickets).
Manzai, rakugo, original Yoshimoto comedy… I started to go to Kagetsu and see such shows on a monthly basis with my family. By doing this, my eyes and my ears started to develop a good taste. It was different from TV because I could actually see the public’s live response to it, and my judgement as a child was like “I see, those guys really liked this joke, but I wonder how they’ll react to his next one”.
In my mind I was becoming a sort of comedy critic, so I slowly started to make gags on my own at school too. Maybe it could be because we lived in Kansai, but it seems like funny guys are really respected here, so before I could realize it no one was bullying me anymore, and the other kids started to gather around me more and more.
And so this and that happened, and I managed to completely change from a bullied kid into a completely new self. My family was poor, my grades were the worst and I wasn’t really cut up for sports; what really saved me was comedy alone.
If you’d take comedy away from me, I won’t have anything left. And I bet that even from now on and as long as I’ll be into the comedy business, this type of human-poop hybrids will surely try to get in my way and make me fall. But hey, do it moderately! ‘Cause if you’d take comedy away from me, I won’t know what to do with my life anymore!

“To those who complain about dirty jokes: go and raise your kids in a shelter”

Don’t you think there are way too many people with nothing to do in this world?
When you work on television, your station usually gets a ton of complaint phone calls. Among them, those from housewives are the most common (yep, they have nothing to do after all).
They don’t realize that by making said phone calls to our tv station and picking up these useless fights, they’re only making tv less and less interesting over time.
There are things in this world which are way more wrong than what they complain about, but on the other hand yeah, I guess it’s not like I don’t get them at all.
Now and then they call our tv station and start their one-sided speech while our staff doesn’t really say anything but apologies. By doing this, they can easily reduce their stress while also feeling like they’re some sort of crime avengers, as an added cherry on top. Probably once you start you become addicted to it, I don’t know.
Aaaanyway, I can’t stand those complaints.
Back then (maybe even today?), when my partner Hamada used to slap some newcomers’ heads while performing his tsukkomi act, we got lots of calls.
But hey, wait a moment. Hamada’s hand is exactly like yours, there’s meat all over his bones and even a coating made of skin over it, it’s a normal human hand. It’s not made of super-alloy and it’s not like his fingernails are covered in poison or such.
Besides, if one acts as the boke (if he makes people laugh), he then receives the tsukkomi (he gets hit), this comes as a one-pack; also, by the moment you make the audience laugh, your fate is to get slapped by the tsukkomi, I would never forgive a comedian who would run away from it. Not even if it’s a newcomer we’re talking about (if they get all this backlash from being slapped once or twice, what should I say from my position, being hit over ten times each time?).
Another complaint we usually get is “what are you going to do if my kids start to imitate it?”. Seems like they associate this with bullying. We got this sort of phone call last time, when me and Hamada filmed this bit where we buried Jimmy Onishi into the ground and drove a roller near his head’s sides.
Hahahah, just try imitate this! (are you that rich at your home? & are your kids some old dudes?) I mean, if there exist a kid who could actually imitate this, I can’t deny that in a way he deserves to be praised for it.
And of course it goes without saying, but most of the calls are about dirty jokes. When we did that sort-of lewd skit on Golden Time, we got showered in complaint calls.
“I don’t want my kid to see that”, or “It’s going to be a bad influence for my kid”…
So what? Just because I put on a fake pair of tits on tv your kid is going to become strange? What next, if I’m being in agony on my bed then your kids will start spurting blood from their nose?
You know, kids aren’t as stupid as you think you are. They’re living beings who can clearly distinguish real life from television.
And if they may grow up running towards weird directions, it won’t be because of the television, I’m sure it will be because that’s who they were to begin with.
Besides, if you really care about the bad influence your kids could be exposed to, first of all you parents who are the closest to them, stop having sex at home! And if that’s impossible, just build a shelter and raise them inside of it, you jeeeerks!

Notes
– When Matsumoto describes Hamada’s hand, he refers to Chogokin, aka Super Alloy, a fictitious material appearing in the famous anime and manga Mazinger Z. Source: Wikipedia.