Hitoshi Matsumoto’s 遺書 (“Will”) – Chapter 11

“To those who complain about dirty jokes: go and raise your kids in a shelter”

Don’t you think there are way too many people with nothing to do in this world?
When you work on television, your station usually gets a ton of complaint phone calls. Among them, those from housewives are the most common (yep, they have nothing to do after all).
They don’t realize that by making said phone calls to our tv station and picking up these useless fights, they’re only making tv less and less interesting over time.
There are things in this world which are way more wrong than what they complain about, but on the other hand yeah, I guess it’s not like I don’t get them at all.
Now and then they call our tv station and start their one-sided speech while our staff doesn’t really say anything but apologies. By doing this, they can easily reduce their stress while also feeling like they’re some sort of crime avengers, as an added cherry on top. Probably once you start you become addicted to it, I don’t know.
Aaaanyway, I can’t stand those complaints.
Back then (maybe even today?), when my partner Hamada used to slap some newcomers’ heads while performing his tsukkomi act, we got lots of calls.
But hey, wait a moment. Hamada’s hand is exactly like yours, there’s meat all over his bones and even a coating made of skin over it, it’s a normal human hand. It’s not made of super-alloy and it’s not like his fingernails are covered in poison or such.
Besides, if one acts as the boke (if he makes people laugh), he then receives the tsukkomi (he gets hit), this comes as a one-pack; also, by the moment you make the audience laugh, your fate is to get slapped by the tsukkomi, I would never forgive a comedian who would run away from it. Not even if it’s a newcomer we’re talking about (if they get all this backlash from being slapped once or twice, what should I say from my position, being hit over ten times each time?).
Another complaint we usually get is “what are you going to do if my kids start to imitate it?”. Seems like they associate this with bullying. We got this sort of phone call last time, when me and Hamada filmed this bit where we buried Jimmy Onishi into the ground and drove a roller near his head’s sides.
Hahahah, just try imitate this! (are you that rich at your home? & are your kids some old dudes?) I mean, if there exist a kid who could actually imitate this, I can’t deny that in a way he deserves to be praised for it.
And of course it goes without saying, but most of the calls are about dirty jokes. When we did that sort-of lewd skit on Golden Time, we got showered in complaint calls.
“I don’t want my kid to see that”, or “It’s going to be a bad influence for my kid”…
So what? Just because I put on a fake pair of tits on tv your kid is going to become strange? What next, if I’m being in agony on my bed then your kids will start spurting blood from their nose?
You know, kids aren’t as stupid as you think you are. They’re living beings who can clearly distinguish real life from television.
And if they may grow up running towards weird directions, it won’t be because of the television, I’m sure it will be because that’s who they were to begin with.
Besides, if you really care about the bad influence your kids could be exposed to, first of all you parents who are the closest to them, stop having sex at home! And if that’s impossible, just build a shelter and raise them inside of it, you jeeeerks!

Notes
– When Matsumoto describes Hamada’s hand, he refers to Chogokin, aka Super Alloy, a fictitious material appearing in the famous anime and manga Mazinger Z. Source: Wikipedia.


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