Chapter 3 – “Comedians from Osaka must sell twice, even if they leave their women”
We always hear the words “national star”, but what the hell is that supposed to be, huh?
Looks like there’s a significant separation between national stars and local stars in Japan, but the truth is, if we’re talking about TV stars, their behavior in front of the camera is exactly the same.
The only difference is whether they’re being broadcast throughout the whole nation or just on local town TV shows, and that’s something which only depends on the TV station itself or maybe the producer, the TV star really has no responsibility whatsoever over it.
Nevertheless, national star = amazing! Local star = no good! It seems to be just like that, and I still don’t get why to this day (the other big difference is their appearance fee).
Anyway, setting this matter aside, today I’m gonna write about the hardships comedians from Osaka (local stars) face when they come to Tokyo (national stars) to sell, you bastards!
First of all, comedians from Osaka must sell twice. Their first time it’s in Osaka, and if they manage to get called from Tokyo (this is what happened to Downtown), their office must strive to promote them in Tokyo too. After that, they’ll have to start again from level 0 in Tokyo and attempt their best, that’s the simplified scheme.
But just so you know, there are no few cases of failure.
And there are mainly 2 big reasons for that. The first one is the case where some guy doesn’t manage to start anew from level 0 in Tokyo, and so decides to keep on working half-heartedly in Osaka; Such people are just poopie-headed comedians with a weird pride who forgot their own initial resolutions. If you want to sell in Tokyo, forget about doing it simply and keep on working harder and harder, you stupid ass! (At least Downtown left the entire Osaka behind and kept on doing manzai in front of a cold-eyed public every week on late tv shows, you bastard!)
Then, the other reason is the case of those people who are simply cowering before the idea of going to the huge capital city that is Tokyo.
A surprisingly big number of Yoshimoto’s comedians are like that, and I think the responsibility for that is all on Yoshimoto Entertainment itself (yeah, for real).
First of all, Yoshimoto company doesn’t treat newcomers as comedians. Needless to say they also don’t pay appearance fees for some of their jobs. Managers don’t even stick with them until they start selling pretty good, and even if they get to ride the Shinkansen there’s just a small fraction of comedians who can afford a Green Car seat, they usually tell them “look, you just can’t” or “who do you think you are?” or things like that, they’re basically treated no better than bugs.
And because of this, they start to feel like “so I can’t…” or “so that’s what people like me deserve…” or such, and when they get to work together with comedians from Tokyo, they start to feel even more and more terrified.
Comedians from Osaka who managed to overcome these conditions are now well known national stars.
They usually say a lot about comedians from Osaka, like they’re loud, or persistent, or annoying or such, but you gotta remember they’ve worked so much for this, traveled all the way here from Osaka and even bid farewell to their women (that’s my story, alright?), so you audience have to watch over them and be kind to them.
P.S. To those who are not that funny even in Osaka and don’t sell that much, please just stop coming here to Tokyo. You’re the shame of Osaka, you sons of bitches.
– “they’re basically treated no better than bugs”, I wrote “bugs”, but he actually wrote “毛じらみ”, which is actually “crabs”, “pubic lice”. I chose to write “bugs” because it’s easier to understand, but keep in mind he’s using this other term instead, which is way… lower than the other, isn’t it?