Hitoshi Matsumoto’s 遺書 (“Will”) – Chapter 10

“The man who sold his soul to comedy doesn’t even move in front of pubic lice”

The other day I heard that a certain women’s weekly magazine has published a sort of scandal-like article about me (it’s not like I want to keep the magazine’s title a secret, but I don’t even want to contribute in its sales, so in the end I’m censoring it).
It’s not like there was clearly written “Matsumoto from Downtown”, but there was a “Young super popular comedian from Kansai” along with details about the color of the car he was riding and other detailed informations even a not so big fan of me would have guessed it was clearly talking about me (after all, from the very “super popular comedian from Kansai” bit, to be honest, there’s no one else beside me and Hamada. Hahaha).
The banner headline was like “that idiot infected me with pubic lice!”, and seemed to be a story written by a woman who claimed to have slept with me. I want to make things clear about all of this. I really want that chick from Josei-7 (oops, I wrote it!) to read this carefully.
I’m pissed off! I’m not angry because everything inside that article was a complete lie, I’m angry because you didn’t clearly write down “Matsumoto from Downtown”! Why didn’t you write my name? Is it because you don’t actually have any proof for all of this?
Whatever the reason may be, I’m sure I wouldn’t be angry if you would have wrote my name down. After all, to me is like “yeah, whatever”. I got pubic lice twice before in the past, and I also got a urethritis once. But I don’t think such things are to be ashamed of or anything like that. I actually even said it on tv before stuff like “I got lice from some girl” or “I have some pus comin’ out of my dick”, I said this myself. That’s because I’m a super comedian who can turn these kind of accidents into something to laugh about. I’m not an idol. I’m just crazy mad at the fact that this lady of Josei-7 covered up my name and thought I’m some sort of intolerant comedian which gets angry or embarrassed over a lice story, that’s what pisses me off.
I don’t have any sort of taboo, basically. Things such as “if you do that, nothing good can happen” or “you shouldn’t say that, it’s not a laughing matter” don’t apply to me. How about you start writing bigger and bigger lies, but this time with my real name on it? Even if you feel so boastful over this petty lice matter you wrote about, I don’t feel like denying it at all, and I don’t have any sort of reaction for it I could possibly give you.
Even if this could turn out to be a huge scandal to run away from for your average tv star, it has no effect on me at all. I don’t care about my public image, nor my hairstyle or fashion, and not even my private life, even if someone would write something bad about it, I don’t see how it can be related to the concept of “Matsumoto as a comedian”.
To me, a man who only lives to make people laugh, pubic lice are nothing more than a gift from the heavens!
If I need to, I can even get naked when getting on stage, I can even poop all over it (now that I think about it, I actually pooped on the floor to make my friends laugh during an old school trip~). If an extreme story can turn out to be something to laugh about, I could even attempt some resurrecting techniques on an old man’s corpse who just died in front of me (well, I don’t think anyone would ever laugh at this).
Anyway, anyway, you got all of this, ladies from Josei-7? If you underestimate me, you’ll get in trouble. I’m Matsumoto from Downtown, the man who sold his soul to comedy!!

– Josei 7 is a magazine for young women published by Shogakukan. Official website.


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